hotel room ftw
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
it's like iHOP with fire
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
