my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
COCAINE IS GR8
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
