More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
