Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
