I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
What a dumb baby whore.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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