I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
