Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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