mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
