A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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