So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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