dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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