Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
he quoted the bible to break up with me
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
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