In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
