Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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