I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
