i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
