I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
