I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Randomize
