He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
