I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
you had me at cake vodka
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
