She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
