when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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