I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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