he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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