did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
