Screwed.edu
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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