ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
We are all done wearing pants today
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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