the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
