I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
