Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
