hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
