oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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