I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
