just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
