Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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