Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
