his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
