I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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