a queef is a wish your heart makes.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
