my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
