i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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