Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
