I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
