There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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