In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
