Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
