I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Randomize
