oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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