I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
