i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
