i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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