I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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