cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
