Where is the hickey?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
