I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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