theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
We were destined to go to rehab together
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
