im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You may now shotgun with the bride
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
