So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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