I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
