I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
