remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
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