I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
