all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
