I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
